Do you ever make a list of things to get done and you start out your day with expectations of productivity? Then you tell yourself you are only laying down for 30 minutes and 5 hours later, you awake at having accomplished nothing. This is how my Wednesday went.

Wednesday April 13th was our big frozen embryo transfer. I was given a valium when I first got there and silly Paul thought he needed one as well. The valium is supposed to help me relax but I certainly didn’t feel very relaxed. My mind kept going to the memories of all the hurt from the first time trying this. The uncertainty, the loss, the reality TV family drama. Could I go through it all again? With my legs already in stirrups I couldn’t really ask for more time to think things over.

Transfer day is my least favorite day. Sure, we get pictures of the little embryo and we get to see it all comfy in my uterus but still.. For both the fresh and frozen transfer your bladder needs to be full to make placing the embryo in the correct spot easier. My appointment was at 10am so I hadn’t gone to the bathroom at all after waking up. Having the nurse push on my lower abdomen certainly wasn’t helping my situation. I made a joke to the doctor about accidentally peeing on him and he said he knew what he was signing up for when he took the job which leads me to believe that maybe I wouldn’t be the first to pee on my doctor.

Transfer is also painful for me. I hate the feeling of my cervix being cleaned off and do not enjoy the needle holding the embryo one bit. I tried to empty my mind of my deeply negative train of thought. I felt the feelings of happiness and excitement that I felt during our first transfer. I am much more cautiously optimistic than before but I loved the closeness I felt with Paul. (Just the night before we had a big fight. Turns out I’m kind of a mean person when being injected with a ton of hormones.) I am so thrilled to be starting again! It’s like the first try was my trial to figure out how to maneuver on this difficult path. Now I know who needs to be kept at arm’s length, a better understanding of taking care of myself, and that I really need to remember that Paul is a person with emotional needs just like me. The latter being the most important of all!

With everything being wrapped up in about 30 or so minutes, I had big plans for my day off. I have a ton of Perfectly Posh training videos to get through, I’m way behind on my blog posts, and I have a little over 70 pictures that need editing. When I got to the house I decided that I was just going to rest for a little while before getting to work on my to-do list. A little while turned into several hours and by the time I awoke, it was time to pick Savannah up from school. I’m sure my body needed the rest but I was so disappointed with myself. I apologize for the lack of posts lately but do not fret! I am making it my¬†mission¬†to be more consistent!

Our little embryo is a 6BB. The first was a 5AA and we know how that turned out. (http://thejessicanicol.com/dealing-with-loss/) I’m not concerned one bit what those silly letters are because even the most perfect “looking” embryo can result in nothing but emptiness. I got my new med calendar that I’m super stoked about.. I will continue with 2cc of PIO every single night and on Tuesdays and Thursdays I will still have my .3ml of estrogen. Something new to the mix is the progesterone suppositories, which does not come with a handy applicator so that’s fun. Whereas Endometrin is chalky, this one is almost like a wax. I appreciate not having the mess but I really am not a fan of suppositories. (I once had a woman tell me that by her taking suppositories while pregnant it caused her daughter to have difficulties getting pregnant. I have been reassured by two doctors that this is not true.)

I do not enjoy one aspect of this process but here we are, chugging along, so ever slowly. My first beta is on the 19th and I’m praying we get good news!

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