I wrote down in my planner that I was going to write a follow up post after seeing Dr. Adashek about our weird band thing going on. I was happily planning out how to write that nothing is wrong and that I was being silly for worrying so much. But our day went quite differently.

We went to one of the Desert Perinatal locations in Las Vegas. I don’t know anything really about OBs in this town because I had Savannah in Phoenix but this place seemed absolutely perfect. I was picturing myself waddling into their cute little entrance at 8 months and was really excited we found this place. I chose to see Dr. Adashek, whom Dr. Fisch could not recommend enough. I read somewhere online that he is in the top 1% of Obstetricians in the country. Definitely someone I want!

We got into the examine room and went over the mandatory 100 health questions. The nurse was super sweet and told us the Sonographer would be in to do the ultrasound and then the doctor would be in. She stepped out and came back in saying Dr. Adashek actually wanted to do it himself. At the time I thought, wow he is such a wonderful and caring doctor that he does his own work!

The big TV monitor to watch the ultrasound is right in front of me when I lay on the table. We see the baby come on the screen and he/she actually looks like a baby now. We can see the big head, the little arms, and the little legs. I was so busy looking for that band that I didn’t realize there was no movement. He asked if we did the chromosome testing and no we didn’t because I was only 24 when we did retrieval and transfer. Chromosome issues are only for women over 30 so even though Dr. Fisch highly recommended we do it I told Paul there is no need to. Plus, I’ve had a healthy baby before. Why spend more thousands than we already need to? The doctor zoomed in so the baby filled the entire screen but he told us he couldn’t see the heartbeat. Turns out, he already knew that would be what we saw just by looking at the picture Dr. Fisch gave us.

At first I was waiting for him to say he was playing some kind of cruel joke but when I paid attention to where the heart is I didn’t see the fuzzy grey area moving at all. He checked the blood flow and there was none in the baby. He checked to see if maybe we could hear it and let me tell you, I have heard and seen some stuff in my short life but nothing compares to this. Just the week before we heard the heartbeat and saw it on the monitor. This day, there is silence and a flat line. I was in such shock that I didn’t hear much of what was said after that. I have the option to wait and miscarry naturally and I also have the option to get a D&C. The doctor thinks that maybe the placenta separated but isn’t 100% positive. He says that this is more than likely a chromosome issue.

I really can’t believe we’re going through this. I think of all the people we’ve told, how excited we have been, how we told Savannah. Last night before bed Savannah wanted to give the baby kisses and again this morning she insisted on kissing and tickling my belly.

Paul and I saw Dr. Fisch today and he did an ultrasound to check things out for himself. I didn’t want to have another ultrasound. I didn’t want to see it again or hear silence again. I didn’t want to have to talk to people about it in person. Writing has always been an outlet for me because when I try to speak while I’m all emotional I can’t get the words to come out. It was so hard to see the baby again. To see that our little gummy bear wasn’t living but still inside me. Dr. Fisch recommends the D&C so we can try to test the baby to figure out what happened. So sometime this week I won’t be pregnant any more. My little darling that should be growing and thriving inside me will be suctioned and scraped out and sent to some lab for testing.

The doctor tells us we can possibly try again with one of our frozen embryos as early as late February but I know I’ll need more time than that. I try to tell myself things to make it easier. I gained about 10 pounds from the hormones associated with IVF so I tell myself I’ll be able to lose that before transferring an embryo. Less weight would be nice. I tell myself that at least we weren’t told we would have a child with a deformity and have to choose what to do. The thing I tell myself that helps me the most though is really crazy but guess what, I’m allowed to be a little psycho right now. December 30th our little one measured at 8 weeks exactly. The next week he measured at 8 weeks and 1 day so the baby maybe stopped growing on December 31st. Paul’s grandpa passed away the night of the 31st. I tell myself that maybe Ed was selfish and didn’t want to go alone or maybe he was scared and didn’t want to leave at all so our little baby went with him. Our little gummy bear didn’t want to live a physically challenged life and Ed didn’t want to be alone so they made their journey together. Now they¬†can take care of each other and watch over us happily and I’m somewhat okay with that.

But none of that actually makes me feel any better. I don’t know why I titled the post this way because I’m not dealing with it at all. I’m curled up in bed with Saige and crying into a bowl of popcorn. I suppose the best thing for me is to just spend a day crying it out. Tomorrow I’ll go back to being an adult. Today I’m going to binge eat with no pants on.

4 Comments on Dealing With Loss

  1. Oh my. I am so very sorry for your loss, which I know doesn’t help anything at all. I hope that you find 1 little thing each day (other than your DH and DD) that brings you some joy, even if just for a second.

    • Knowing that there are people offering kind words brings a bit of joy to each day. We have three frozen which gives me hope that we have a baby in our future. It’s a rough road but even before our first date Paul told me he couldn’t produce kids. Something about knowing that I chose this path comforts me. I would much rather choose it than be blindsided.

    • Thank you Kelly! We’re moving along one day at a time and Paul has done a wonderful job in taking care of me emotionally. I know you’re a fellow blogger, you should include your link when you post to another blogger’s site. It’s like free advertising!

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