Okay not really but pretty darn close! We are only on the first week of February and 2016 is already shaping up to be the most difficult. But life is all about finding light in the darkness, right?
As you probably already know, we went through our first round of IVF which ended in a D&C early last month. All of that is emotionally taxing as is but I have begun to notice something very annoying. THERE ARE PREGNANT WOMEN ALL OVER RIGHT NOW! A few months ago was everyone bored? Is this normally baby season and I’m just sensitive right now? If I see one more baby bump I’m going to give up ever leaving the house. Not really, but I’ll seriously consider it!
And to help me out, after having a D&C you don’t just magically shrink back to pre-baby size. Even though I wasn’t very far along the IVF medication put on enough weight that I looked pregnant. So between the time of finding out there was no more heart beat and the actual D&C, I had people ask how the baby was doing and how far along I was. Not their fault at all but way to slap me in the face.
This year I turn the big 2 5 which actually shouldn’t even be a big deal. I should be feeling young and capable of taking on anything but instead I feel myself aging as each day passes. Each birthday that comes and goes is another year toward 30 which means adding more difficulties to this already horrible process. Thank you infertility for taking my precious youth.
So yeah, I do have feelings of bitterness and can totally see myself being that old grouchy lady that has a million animals and hoards weird things. There are many days where I don’t want to shower, I don’t want to get dressed and have to face the world, and I certainly don’t want to be productive. (Sorry, but that’s why my posting is so sporadic!) I feel envy and jealousy towards women that are pregnant or are starting to try naturally. I talked to Paul about this a little bit which kind of only made me feel like I’m a bad person for feeling this way towards other women.
My mom thinks I need to talk to someone, like, a professional someone. Why would I want to give money to someone that will sit there and watch me cry hysterically? No thank you! That’s what I have Paul for and he’s free. Instead, I’m finding other ways to combat my “bitter old lady” feelings.
- So this happened.. I told Paul it was either a puppy or a Givenchy purse. He said the purse but then he made a huge mistake and said we should get another dog. (Saige is great but she’s 6 years old and lives her life on the couch.) When you tell me something this monumental I latch on and run with it. Anyway, he’s a Belgian Tervuren and we got him from a wonderful lady in Phoenix, Arizona. We named him Lucas, as in Cabo San Lucas of course! (Our favorite vacation destination.) I plan on doing agility and obedience with him. Absolute little angel and just look at that face! Crying into his plush little body just feels so relieving! If you feel like your depressed or just feeling down and have a pet, I highly recommend finding an activity to enjoy together! I read somewhere once that playing with your pet releases “feel good” hormones in your brain. *Please do not go get a pet just because you are feeling sad. A pet is a big commitment and should be taken very seriously!*
- Diet and exercise! Which actually sounds depressing but exercising also releases those “feel good” hormones. I have also been reading a lot lately that the right diet could help relieve those feelings of depression. Yay for food! As you can see on TJN and my social media sites, I’m attempting the Paleo way of life. I’m doing a major cut on everything processed (minus alcohol, I just can’t let go yet) and finding new recipes that are ultra healthy. Not sure how Paul feels about it but I find so much joy in finding new recipes and adding my own little twist. It’s a hobby that I have become deeply in love with. One thing that I know Paul loves is the fact that we never eat the same thing twice. Variety is the spice of life as they say! Try finding new recipes or try making foods you have never heard of. Last month I learned all about the amazing uses of coconut oil and also learned about fennel. Learning new things always feels great, especially when you eat it! And this leads me to my next point..
- I’m obviously an enthusiast for writing your thoughts and feelings down, hence this blog! I definitely encourage you to start writing out how you feel. Writing sometimes brings me the most tears but afterwards I feel so “cleansed” and ready to start moving on. T (one of my younger brothers) is going through a lot in his high school years. He is an amazing writer and poet so of course I’m trying to push him into blogging, even if it’s just to let some emotion out. Doing this genuinely helps to “find” your strong self when you feel weakest. Being the overachiever that I am, I’m taking it to the next level! Writing a book has always been on my to-do list and now I’m actually going to do it! I’ll be putting together TWO ebooks! One will be a cookbook, of course. The second will be a total surprise that I know will leave a lot of people saying “What is wrong with this girl?!” And that’s what I like!
These are just some of the things I use to combat depression. Obviously every person is different and every situation is different. What helps me may not help another but hopefully I’m giving you some ideas. I encourage you to write your feelings out and to get your body active if nothing else. I also say, try learning something new! Like, really hardcore learn it. Read everything you can find and then read it again. I love to learn and it makes me feel useful and smart, even if I’m the only one thinking that it’s okay. Everyone needs to feel useful and everyone needs to feel good about themselves.
I’d love to see the way you handle your emotions! I’m always interested in new ways of doing things and our infertility journey is far from over so I could really use the distractions! Take pictures and tag me on Instagram or let me know on Twitter! I would love to start communicating with you guys more often. @thejessicanicol
Love you guys,