Apologies for the lack communication lately. I needed some space and time alone to process everything that has happened. This post contains a sensitive subject and might be very TMI so please skip over if you’d rather not read about loss.

Saturday July 9th started out as just another ordinary day. Savannah didn’t have gymnastics so the two of us were free to hang out at the house until having to get ready for church. I felt very round and tired, something I had been enjoying and getting used to. Nothing seemed amiss and my Saturday went about as any other. Paul came home from work, we all got ready, then headed off to church.

We always sit with my parents at church and this time my mom brought a coffee with her. I have always hated the smell of coffee but something was different this time. While others were worshipping and enjoying the music, I was getting very nauseous and even broke out in a sweat. I started to feel dizzy and clammy and thought about sitting down to rest. Paul started to rub my lower back and I was worried that he would notice how sweaty I was and get worried. I decided to go hang out in the bathroom until my stomach settled. As I was walking up the aisle, I felt something that no pregnant woman wants to feel. There was a gush but I kept walking as if nothing happened so people wouldn’t notice.

I got to the bathroom and my underwear was completely soaked with bright red blood. I started to feel tight pains in my sides and texted my mom to bring my purse to the bathroom and to have Paul pick Savannah up from her room. Even though Savannah is fully potty trained I always carry a plastic bag with me in case of accidents. Never thought I’d be the one needing the plastic bag! I cleaned myself up the best I could and┬ástuck a patty liner in my jeans. I told Paul we needed to get home ASAP and was so thankful that the hallways were empty. I was in so much pain that walking was difficult and I didn’t want people to see me like that. I was holding myself together very well and did not need someone to ask me what was wrong.

On the way home Paul had me call Dr. Fisch. I explained the gush of blood and the contraction like pain and asked if I needed to go to the ER. He told me to be on bed rest for the remainder of the weekend and to not worry, “sometimes suppositories cause bleeding.” This was the first time that I was truly mad at my doctor. My underwear was completely soaked with blood and I have had a child before, I know what contractions feel like.

Paul got me propped up in bed and ordered a ton of Red Lobster that he picked up. The three of us spread out our food in bed and watched movies. The pain intensified to the point that I couldn’t breathe through it. I was having contractions and birthing giant blood clots. I had never experienced anything like this and had never seen blood clots of these sizes so Paul and I decided a trip to the ER would be wise. My mom came to our house around 12:30 in the morning to be with Savannah as we headed out.

After two hours of being in the emergency room we were told that I had miscarried and needed bed rest the following day. We knew going in what we were going to hear but that didn’t lessen the emotional or physical pain. The following week was an emotional mess but I did my best to hide it. Co-workers would congratulate my pregnancy and I would answer with a smile and “we’ll try again soon so no big deal.” Even now, a week after the loss, I still hear my mother-in-law telling me the miscarriage in January was my fault. I feel like this one was my fault too and that scares me. Will I cause another? Will Paul not want to try with me any more? Was my blood thinner dosage not high enough? So many questions, so many different feelings.

One of these feelings is gratitude. I am so thankful that my husband has such a caring and loving heart. I truly feel that he went above his “husbandly duties” to care for me. He took care of meals over the weekend, entertained Savannah while she was cooped up in the house, he wiped the tears from my face and the blood from my legs, he even collected the clots in a bag to take to the ER with us. I hate this process and how depressed it makes me but it has showed me a side of Paul that no one else has seen. This has brought us closer and strengthened our relationship.

Our next steps are still unknown. We are both still healing and I have to continue getting blood drawn every week until my HCG level reaches zero so we have time. A couple close to Paul recommended another doctor in the Vegas valley so we to figure out, are we going back to Fisch or completely starting over? With no embryos left we can really do whatever we want.

I’ll keep you guys updated on where this journey takes us next and I have plenty of new content in the works that will be posted at a much better pace than we’ve seen this month, promise! Thank you all for your continued support and if you aren’t already following along on Snap Chat I highly encourage you to find me @thejessicanicol so you can get to know me a bit more (: Love you all and I hope your journey is faring better.

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