Thursday afternoon Paul and I went back to Dr. Fisch’s office for our D&C. I tired to work that day but really just cried on and off in my office. I do accounting which is depressing enough as it is.
I’m not sure if Dr. Fisch uses the same Anesthesiologist all the time but I had the same woman that was there for my egg retrieval. She was amazing and so caring. She really tried to make the experience just a tad bit better. She told me to pick a destination that we were all going to go to in our minds. I fell asleep thinking of one of my favorite beaches in the world, Lover’s Beach in Cabo.
I woke up in the recovery room after the best 15 or so minutes of sleep that I had in the last few days. I have always been overly emotional. I’m the first to get mad and the first to break down and cry. At work we always listen to the same radio station but we had to change it during the holidays because I would cry at the ASPCA commercial. (I tried telling Paul that there are thousands of animals in shelters and we need to go get every single one of them and start a little farm to protect them. Like usual, he thought I was crazy.)
We eat at some really nice restaurants but for some reason I’m always drawn to Macaroni Grill. It’s cheap and tastes pretty darn good, how can you go wrong? So Paul called in an order for us to take home. He has been really trying to pull me out of this but it is extremely difficult so yesterday I decided to leave work early and do my own type of therapy because what better way to make yourself feel good than with some retail therapy!
Of course, I got to the parking lot and spent almost 20 minutes crying to myself. I had received an email from Victoria’s Secret that if I bought a sport bra I would get the pants to go with for free so I told myself I’ll just run in quickly and be done with this terrible idea of being in public. I went in and of course have to try on armfuls of stuff.
I’m not sure if it was because I looked miserable or because a have a nice purse and some pretty sparkly jewelry and armfuls of sport bras and pants, but this woman came up to me. She said she could “sense some negative energy” around me and asked if I could talk for a minute. She grabbed my hand and told me that I’m experiencing a loss and that if I never let go of this negative energy I won’t be able to move on. Of course this makes me break down into a slobbering mess. She proceeds to tell me that normally she charges $45 an hour for readings but if I put a cash donation in my hand of whatever amount I want we’ll say some words together and the bad juju will be gone forever. As a way to prevent how much money I spend I never carry cash with me and this crazy lady tries to persuade me into letting her follow me to an ATM. Yeah, let me take you to a place that can drain all of my money and with your buddies probably waiting there for me! I was so upset that not only would she cause me to fall apart in public, which I despise deeply, but she was trying to take advantage of my sadness.
To make it better I walk out of the store after paying and see her sitting on a bench holding another bawling woman’s hand. Guess she feels a whole lot of negative energy around people. I spent the next hour going from store to store telling myself I was only buying things that I have been needing for a long time.
I’m still lost in my cloud of sadness but I felt better not being in a ball on the couch. I’m emotionally preparing myself for a frozen embryo transfer sometime in March. I’m also physically preparing myself, which is totally helping my healing process! My goal is to lose 10-15 pounds to put my body at pre-IVF weight. Yay for physical activity and not eating what I actually want to eat! Which, if you were wondering, is cake and cheese right now. Lots of cake and cheese.