Sometimes you have to sit down, pray it out, and know when enough is enough. Some might see it as quitting, some might see it as giving up, but I don’t like those people. There is nothing wrong with recognizing when it’s time to move on and start a new chapter to your life. I’ve been silent on the blog for a long time and here’s why.
My daughter and I welcomed a wonderful man into our lives. Sure, Paul has his flaws just like every person does, but he has been such a perfect fit and has been a blessing to us. He made sure I knew very early on that having biological children would probably never happen for him due to radiation and chemo. I felt okay with that, I felt that Savannah was all I could ever need or want in my life. I knew that I would want to at least try to have a baby because well, I don’t want to look back years later and regret not trying. At the time I was ignorant of the world I was entering into.
Our only “baby making” option was IVF with ICSI. Some people seemed excited for us and some not so much but whatever. We went through the horrible process of in-vitro fertilization (how insurance companies consider this an elective procedure completely blows my mind). We threw a ridiculous amount of money into the process and that was okay with us. We were excited, we were in love. I thought nothing could get in our way because my sheer determination was unmatched by any bumps in the road.
First fresh cycle we were blessed with a baby and made it to graduating from our reproductive doctor’s office. I latched on to this good news and ran while Paul wisely tiptoed just in case. He is always smarter than I am. This baby left us while we rang in the new year. The picture of our little gummy bear without a beating heart is forever burned into my memory. We chose the D&C route so the baby’s tiny body could be tested to find what happened. We received no answers. My world started unraveling so quickly and I had no clue how to stop the bleeding. So much happened during this time and I will never be the same person again. Shaped by the hands of others, my love for Paul morphed into something ugly and unfamiliar. I was at fault and I believed it.
Second cycle we go the frozen route but a small part of me didn’t want the embryo to stick. Part of me thought that if this one sticks I’ll be stuck in a place that I want no part of. I was torn between wanting to grow my family and wanting to seclude myself in a bubble in which no one else had access. This cycle yielded nothing and I was secretly pleased.
The third cycle we again go down the frozen path but we decide to implant our last two embryos. I was still confused but I needed this one to work, my emotional survival depended on it. Though so much had happened and I had changed so much, I couldn’t imagine a life without it working and for a few short weeks it did work, I was pregnant with our twins. It ended naturally at home in what was the longest, most painful ten hours I have experienced. Sure, giving birth to Savvy was rough but that had a glorious ending I could focus on. This, this is what nightmares are made of. Each contraction brought me closer to the end of our babies and the end of myself. As Paul wiped blood and clots from my legs I secretly wanted the pain to stay with me so I could have something to hold on to.
We were out of embryos but Paul reassured me with the idea that we weren’t out of options. We decided donor sperm would be our next step because he was the one with the problem, he was the one that got sick. But I knew that wasn’t true and just as we decided to take this next step, I decided to quit. The words are branded to me and I’ll carry the weight of them forever. I am the one at fault here, I am the one who caused this, it is my body that our children keep dying in. All it took was a few people’s actions and one person’s words to start this horrible snowball effect, to destroy me, to destroy the light I had found in Paul.
I was in a hole of depression that I was trying so hard to get out of. I spoke to therapists online and did my best to fake happiness for a long time. I have such a fabulous online community surrounding me and I’ve met so many people with stories similar to mine. I’m not out of my personal trenches yet and that big nasty D word still has its hold on me some days but I put some new purposes in my life that I’m so excited to share with you all.
I love trying new foods and learning about different cultures and have always wanted to explore this big world we live in. Plus Savannah is old enough now that we can start traveling further with her. I got her a passport and have been busy planning grand adventures for our little family. (You’ll start to see more travel on the blog!) We just finished our Coronado Island and LA trips so now we have Thailand, Chicago, New York city, and Whistler plans in the making! The world is so much bigger than my little city and it’s time I saw it for myself. Travel planning has not only given me something to look forward to but has also helped me remember that I have a loving husband and amazing daughter that need me to come back to myself.
Next I decided that things around here needed sprucing up. Out with the old and in with the new so goodbye “mom boobs.” Yep, I had a breast lift and augmentation done. Vain? Yeah sometimes I can be. Low self esteem? Why yes, thanks for pointing that out. I’m very happy with this decision and that’s what matters. I’m not saying people with depression should run to their nearest plastic surgeon but this has helped me feel a bit better about myself and not for whatever 2016 new age reason you’re thinking about commenting on. Please don’t fill my comment section with mean things, I’ll just delete them.
To continue on with this sprucing up theme we’re also moving! Construction on my Barbie dream home will be completed late November/early December. Nothing says fresh start like a new home in a new neighborhood! If you’re in the Summerlin area of Las Vegas I’d love to know some of your favorite places to eat and shop! I’ve been obsessing over Pinterest like a crazy person and I’d love some tips and ideas on home decor as well. Here’s the link to my home decor board https://www.pinterest.com/th3jessicanicol/barbie-dream-home/ and please share your links in my comments section.
Finally, there has been an idea brewing for a few years that I need a career change. I’ve always wanted to “be my own boss” but I felt content with hating my work as long as I was making decent money. For being 25 I’m doing pretty darn well but not loving my work makes my “down” days even more difficult. I’m not a strong enough person to be surrounded by so much negativity and not let it effect me. I plan to open my own business but do something very special with it. Paul and I have a lot, we’re not swimming in diamonds, but we’re doing better than most so I feel that it is our responsibility to help others. We donate clothes to our church’s thrift store, we do backpack drives and toy drives, we go to fundraising events for the causes that are important to us, I even volunteer with Big Brothers Big Sisters, but there is one more thing I want to do for my community. Infertility is soul crushing, it’s marriage ending, it’s alienating, and there are way more people struggling than you might realize. The cost is extremely high and the majority of insurance companies don’t do anything for you, it’s ridiculous. I’m going to take my business idea that I love so much and offer financial aid to my customers in the form of a FREE IVF cycle. Yep, once a year one lucky customer will get my help and hopefully someday I can extend that further. You’ll have to wait for more details but I’m so excited about this!
I’ve had a rough year and I still struggle somedays. Paul and I are done trying to have kids but we do plan on adopting once life has settled down a bit. I’m sad and every stupid Facebook pregnancy announcement kills me but we have so much to look forward to. New passport, new boobs, new house, new career, new projects, I don’t have to have babies to be fulfilled. Thank you so much to the people that have sent emails checking on me! I will continue to pray for those of you that are still fighting the infertility fight.
Love you guys